Things I Learned from the Avengers

Just realized I never posted this here. I should have done. 

Better late than never. 

I only recently saw Marvel's (Disney's?) the Avengers, directed by the murderous Joss Whedon. Seriously, Agent Coulson? Really? REALLY?

I know I'm a bit out of the entertainment loop, but I've been busy and I live in the middle of nowhere. And movies in Japan are expensive. It costs about 17 US dollars to go to a flick at the mall. The little theatre in the forrest in Yasuda is probably cheaper, but I worry a bit that it might not be playing English films, which would be okay if difficult, and more that I might get murdered on my way back through the jungle after the picture, which would not be okay.

Anyhoo, so I rented the Avengers and spent all of my daikyuu time watching Mark Ruffalo apologize for being emotionally unavailable and listening to the cheesiest dialogue I've heard since Adam West commended the dolphin who gallantly sacrificed itself in front of that torpedo so Batman and Robin could save the world from the Yellow Submarine (or however that one went - Pow! Bam!).

Nay! That was not a slam against the comic cohort of assembled avengers! That was just the third paragraph. I really liked the movie and thought the dialogue was a compilation of all the things you wished they would say, especially Tony Stark's conversation pieces, but that usually get left out of movies. Like all the actors knew they had to take it seriously, but not too seriously or they might not be able to face themselves in the mirror when it was all over.

I'm trying to figure out a way to work the movie into my sixth-grade class. They'd love it and it would make English MUCH more applicable to them.

So a list of things I've learned:

Do all your banking online. Never go to the bank. Ever. Captain America can’t always be there to save your ass when you’re cashing your pension check. (And if you happen to live in Gotham, just never leave your house. Unless you’re moving.)  

As long as we're on that one, just don't ever live in New York City. Yeah, it sounds romantic and wonderful, but let's face it. It's always the first to go, whether from the bad guys (see ID4, King Kong, etc...) or from friendly fire (see Failsafe).

Learn English. Because that’s the only language in which your alien attackers will bother to speak to you no matter what country you inhabit. They will assume you know it and will get irrationally pissed if you don't instantly kneel when they demand this of you. 

Get a headset and NEVER be without it. Girls, we’re lucky, most of us can hide it in our hair. Boys, go get yourselves helmets or super-hero masks, while you’re out there getting the headset. Nobody wants to be the last to the alien-destroying party and there is simply NO TIME to speed-dial your cell.

If you happen to prefer distance-killing (as opposed to hand-to-hand combat) figure out life’s cheat code for arrows and bullets. Legolas isn’t the only one who never runs out. Hawkeye obviously googled that one before he went to work for S.H.I.E.L.D and where Agent Romanov stores the extra cartridges on that uniform, well, I’m too much of a lady to ask, but as a lady, I have some ideas.

If you happen to be human and you have access to a super-suit, make sure all the other parts of your domicile are easily breakable and non-body-damaging. Because when the evil demi-god from planet F-ing Nowhere throws you headfirst through your plate-glass windows, you are going to get your face cut off, unless it’s that candy-glass they use for stunts in Hollywood. Especially if the super-suit launch is a tad delayed. Thanks, Jarvis.

Always carry a knife and don’t go out without your cover. Okay, I learned those from Gibbs, but they're totally applicable here.

Learn to fly a jet. If you don’t have access to a jet, just learn to fly a regular non-commercial aircraft of any form. This will allow you to fly top-secret-state-of-the-art-paid-for-by-your-tax-dollars military grade aircraft. You bought it and if you break it, hey! Uncle Sam will buy you another. 

If you're looking for trouble, you might try Budapest or Marrakech. Because that is where all the fun stuff happens.   

And if you absolutely must live in NYC or any of those other cities constantly besieged by alien forces, get to the gym but quick! Being ripped will be the single defining factor in whether you survive the fallout or get shredded like cheddar cheese over a taco in the next war of the worlds. Don't worry so much about your lower body, if you're a gentleman. The super-hero physique is an upside down triangle for men. Focus on your biceps and pecs; this was the only movie I've ever seen in which almost every male character had boobs as big as the female characters' (boobs). 

I watched the damn thing about five times today. Itunes really messes with you over this whole 24-hour expiration thing. That should be my super-power, actually. The ability to magically keep rented movies in my itunes library forever for the price of the rented picture. Will ask Mr. Stark about it...

Alice in What-the-@#!$% land

Some movies make you want to cheer for the bad guy. Some do this intentionally, in a Usual Suspects kind of way, and some do it accidentally in an Alice in Wonderland kind of way.

I actually like the writings of Lewis Caroll, and think Alice and her adventures are entertaining enough without delving too much into psychosis and prepubescent muchness. Although the dresses that keep falling off the main character don’t help keep those thoughts in their quiet midnight of the mind. 

But I have other bones to pick with this inconsistent picture. 

Some of the characters are romping in camp, which is quirky and almost entertaining, except for the other stoggedly (that’s “staid” and “dogged” getting it on) serious ones, the principal player of whom, sadly, is Alice herself. Almost Alice, mostly Alice, Alice in Chains, whomever.

The scenery is pretty, but completely lacking any realistic framework and mostly it looks as though several sets were poached from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Except for the Red Queen’s palace, which is apparently behind the tar pits in the shadow lands at the back of Mustafa’s pridelands.

The story is more or less the same as the original, with the framework being that Alice’s father has died, leaving them more or less destitute because his shares were bought by a business partner…for not enough money to keep the family afloat? And who wants to shore up the alliance by marrying the brainy and beguiling Alice off to his pasty son (not that you should judge someone based on their skin conditions - I myself am a Victorian creamy, which is "pasty" in a much more posh voice).

First off, Alice, don’t trust a dude who was trying to pass his genetic code to you down by way of his insipid spawn. And most definitely do not go to CHINA with said individual hoping to expand your father’s business vision – if the partner-guy was really interested in your father’s vision, he would have paid a proper price for his investment so your mother wouldn’t be hawking off your ovaries the minute you turn twenty.

But such two-faced supporting characters are not the only inconsistency in this strange and twisted tale. In fact, there are so many crazy little inaccuracies and discrepancies that I had trouble focusing on just one thing to drive me crazy. But I came up with it.

The whole premise of the picture is that the Red Queen has gone crazy and ravaged Underland, while banishing her sister to what seems to be a very safe and secure hideout somewhere in Tokyo's Ueno garden during cherry blossom season. Red holds the kingdom in thrall (am I using that correctly?) and all the underlings, who resemble Disney characters after five weeks of heavy heroine use and Matt Lucas, are waiting for a champion to return in the form of a grown-up Alice who will slay the Jabberwocky and restore the White Queen to the throne.

Nota bene: looks like the White Queen's got it going on. I mean, she enjoys a great palace, clean clothes, running water, and the love of her disgruntled subjects while her sister does all the backbreaking work of day-to-day governing. Cry me a river, Whitey. 

Somewhere towards the end of the picture, after we’ve been to Rivendell and back (kid you not), we end up at Weathertop and Alice pulls out Biter, while the Mad Hatter somehow got his badly manicured paws on Beater. (Which now that I think about it, sounds a little dirty…) Anyhoo, the Red and White Queens meet each other on the checkerboard of battle and the White Queen tenderly begs Red to give up the crown peacefully. Red replies bitterly that the crown is hers – she is entitled to it of course, since she is the elder sister.

Back the cracked tea pot trolley up.

Are you telling me the Red Queen is the elder sister? That the crown is actually due to her based on the succession of oldest issue of the full blood of the king?

What the hell, Alice?

All of a sudden, our fantasy-land coup (staged with the necessary help of huge bullfrogs and carpucian monkeys) is moved from the realm of trying to throw off Machiavelli to subverting Divine Right. And just because she's killed a few subjects and a nameless king. 

Some people are so picky. 

My other major issue with this flick is that Alice is spending this adventure nerving herself up to reject a marriage proposal because she doesn't want her life decided for her by people around her. 

But the whole reason the White Rabbit came to get her is because the Oraculen (either a kind of spider or an alien race from Star Trek) scroll, which looks like it was stolen from Hyrule’s Public Library, depicts her lording it over the Jabberwocky on Frabjous Day (Calloo, Callay! I chortle!) So that Alice's original act of independence and self-government is rendered completely mute. She tries to stand up for herself and say no one is bossing her around, only to remain blind to the fact that  she has no say in the matter. In fact, she’s bullied, bribed and egged on until she defeats the Jabberwocky – Oppan Gandalf style – so that the White Queen can banish her blood relative to a place where “no one will ever be [her] friend.”

That’s telling her.

And then the Mad Hatter turns into CGI Michael Jackson.

I rarely want a movie to end just so I can start writing a cynical message about it. But by the end of those very long 108 minutes, I was really looking forward to climbing out of that ridiculous rabbit hole.   

A Game of Thrones - Book Review

Book Review

A Game of Thrones

Logline – A bunch of families challenge each other to battle royale it over their corresponding seven kingdoms, none of which seem to possess soap, toothpaste, nor basic home security measures. Meanwhile, somewhere in Saudi Arabia, a chick gives birth to dragons.

And then it gets complicated.

I’ve never played dungeons and dragons, but this book seems to be pretty much that game personified, with perhaps a surplus of dudes with unpronouncable names and oft-vaunted military prowess that is really just camouflage for filling up a couple of sentences before they’re brutally murdered.

This story is way too long to recap. So let’s just mentioned what we’ve learned so far:

Get on your knees right now and thank God you were born in an age that appreciates soap, toilets, and toothpaste. For reals. It doesn’t get much more rank than the medieval times, even the fantasy ones, especially with hot blood spurting on every page and fresh corpses at the end of every chapter.

Nathan: Don't bother reading it. Your favorite character dies.

Reader: Yours does, too. In fact, it’s best not to form any emotional attachments of even the slightest kind. Spend the energy on hating characters. You’ll get a much longer run out of that.

All men do is eat roast goat, drink mead, fornicate with anything they could get their wang into, and kill each other in imaginative and disgusting ways.

Women were about the same (minus the wang, usually).

Don’t swear your allegiance to anyone. Ever. Sworn sword may strengthen quaking heart, said Gimli, but it’s not going to bury you when you’ve been hacked to death by the king’s minions in the Red Keep.

Learn to fight with a longsword, because you will most certainly die at the end of one. Faramir's wife had it right. 

Nine year olds can become assassins. See Avengers and Arya.

Always burn the bodies. ALWAYS.

Settle your debts. Men may bind themselves to their liege lords, but they’ll fight just as well for someone who pays them on time and in full.

Every race always views every other race as savage. There is no reason not to. They’re not like us, they shoot horses, don’t they? And then roast and eat them.

The best dungeons have no walls, only a six hundred foot drop. Unless you’re trying to imprison a wizard. Cuz the lord of Eagles would have found Tyrion just fine if he had thought to catch a moth, whisper a couple of sweet nothings to it and release it into the wind. It was called the Eeriey (or whatever) for crying out loud.

If you can’t find yourself a dragon, get yourself a direwolf. 

It's the Weekend

Good news! The weekend is fast-approaching and since I live in the incorrect hemisphere, my weekend will get here faster than anybody else's! Which means, you guessed it: day-drinking!

Except my day-drinking means getting a real espresso from the mall in Kochi. And not adding anything exciting to it yet.

Will be watching something as well, this weekend. Stay tuned.

n:

Perhaps the best thing about working my incorrect hours (slaved away in the correct hemisphere) is the fact that by noon, it's already time for day-drinking. 
There's something to be said for the phrase: it's 5 o-clock somewhere.

m:

and it's 7 o-clock somewhere and somewhere it's the witching hour and my students are always trying to tell me it's Tuesday, no matter what day of the week it actually is. 

what about previews? You should day-drink and watch previews and then tell us what you think they would match with. Then we can try them out when we get together!

n:

Do we take half-shots for The Hobbit?

m:

I've been thinking about that. we need a special half-pint drink for them. Not ale, that's too blase and predictable, not stout, but something "proper 1212, that is" or whatever year it was that Bilbo comes back. (I realize that's mixing my books, but we're mixing our drinks too.)

Something that denotes fun, life, goes well with food and song, but comes through and can be as fierce as a dragon in a pinch. 

The Avengers Saga - Episode 0.5

m:
So last night I was watching the Avengers and all I had to go with it was a Yellow Tail Cab Sav from September, probably, and I was thinking, “These don’t go together at all! What would be the ideal drink for this flick?” And that got me thinking; I’m a Farray. There are really only two distinct skills at which I succeed: I can quote movies and I know a good drink when I have one. That got me thinking more. Who do I quote movies with? With whom do I enjoy a good alcoholic binge? My sibs. If there are two things the Farray kids have down, they are good flicks and good sips. I think we should launch a movie and drink recommendation blog. We could rotate films and we each go out and watch them, provide a review and then provide a beverage to go along with it. We could figure out a schedule or a monthly theme and go with it, or we could just be crazy. They don’t have to be alcoholic drinks, but we are all very entertaining. What do you think? I’m going to launch it anyway, but I wondered about your input????

E:
Yes!! We can call it, "shut up! I can't hear the tv..."

j:
Avengers...  lemme' think...  you could go with the obvious, and sip an Incredible Hulk (Hypnotiq & Hennessy), but that would be disgusting.  I think it depends on the character you like the most -- Captain America:  Bud Light.  Tony Stark:  Scotch (Single Malt & Old).  Thor:  Meade.  Bruce Banner:  Red Wine.  Black Widow:  Rose.

I like the concept, though some genres may be predisposed to certain types of drinks...

Comedy:  cheap beer.

Comedy with Paul Rudd in it:  microbrew.

Nazi movies:  german beer.

80s-style Action:  red bull & vodka.

Romance:  white or red wine.

Real crappy chick flicks: wine coolers. 

Westerns:  whiskey.

Any movie with Jeff Bridges:  white russians.

Bond movies:  vodka martinis.

Anything with Ice Cube in it:  malt liquor.

N:

Niiiiiiice, but I would've thought that the Hulk's would've involved Monster and vodka.
The Fast and the Furious: V8 with a splash of vodka.
Enemy at the Gates: Stoli on the rocks. Be cold for mother russia.
The Longest day: Espresso shots and Crown.
The Departed: Irish coffees.
Lord of War: cocaine...and lots of it.
Maybe that last one doesn't count....

E:

OMG.

j:

Minor correction to Lord of War:  Gotta' gets the Brown Brown!  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown-brown)  Cocaine on it's own just isn't quite enough...

m:

And that was our first blog post.